Something that I have been noticing recently with the weather is that it doesn’t take several cloudy days in a row to get me down. A day like today – cloudy, drizzly, unseasonably cold, windy – is enough to turn me a light shade of blue early in the day. It doesn’t help that it’s the weekend, which is something I haven’t written about recently (or at all).
I don’t like weekends here. I really don’t. The reasons are all me and what I’ve conjured up in my head – I’m sure with some creative thinking and a positive outlook I could fix this attitude, but I haven’t gotten around to it and maybe I just don’t want to yet!
Weekends here are when I am most reminded of my struggles living in a tiny house with a tiny yard. We are all home and we are all doing our thing but there is nowhere that is mine where I can go. We have no deck, no screened in porch, no family room, no office, gazebo or finished basement. I’ve never been a fan of using my bedroom as a retreat, and doubt I ever will warm to that idea. It comes down to that I want more space, either inside or out. And yes, I have guilt that goes along with it, because I know damn well that most of the world lives in spaces much smaller than what we have, and yes, we are fortunate to be able to live in a cute house in the best neighborhood in town. There are days when this fact brings me back to reality but also days that my urge to get out of here just in order to breathe slips under my skin and scratches incessantly from the inside out.
We looked for a bigger house a few years ago and gave up once we couldn’t sell this house. But you know what? Nothing has really changed, though I am very fond of this little place, and it’s okay during the week when there are just one or two of us here during the day. However…the girls are growing, the dog yearns for space to really run and take care of her property and her people, and that nagging claustrophobia continues to press on me. It reminds me of the five years Aaron and I were dorm parents and were surrounded on all sides by everything connected to the school. It got really, really hard and finally we left and found space in Vermont for a few years. And then we came here and all was well at first…but our one child/two cat household has become a two child/two cat/big dog household and we will never have room for anyone to come stay with us unless Aaron sleeps in Anna’s closet. This will never not bother me.
But let’s move on to lighter thoughts! Next week at this time I will be in Santa Fe, ready to start my week at Ghost Ranch (If you’re a Georgia O’Keefe fan, definitely check out the link). There will be sun, solitude, writing, and I’d say most important to me right now, wide open space.
K.I.S.S., here I come!